Finally, an instrument I can play!
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I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool