“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
You Might Also Like
Who needs an Air Fryer?
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
there has never been a better use of this meme
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My teenage children choosing violence
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways