I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?