*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
got so much cardio in today
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?