Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
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would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?