Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
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BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
The hardest thing Vision has to do