I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.