*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.