this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
is there nothing we can trust anymore