Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
#winning
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it