I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.