ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
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As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!