[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
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WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.