You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
You Might Also Like
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.