The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
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To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Confused owl: What?!
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island