The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
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[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs