Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
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[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin