Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
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Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
“You’d better run, egg!”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry