My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
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Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.