I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Well well well…
I see a badly-tied bin liner.