*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
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I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
thank god
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green