They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
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A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
sin harder.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses