Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
what the
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.