This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
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I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
(more comics:
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?