When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Money is the root of all wealth
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently