[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
You Might Also Like
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
The biggest mystery of our time
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.