Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
You Might Also Like
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.