Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
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Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Skills
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.