Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
You Might Also Like
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.