My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.