Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
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BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Thinking about Jeff
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”