When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*