My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
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This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Cardio Made Easy
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I’m giving up for Lent.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times