There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
You Might Also Like
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way