How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
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In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
pat pat
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.