a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed