Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
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Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
men are simple creatures
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??