Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
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all that yoga finally paid off
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.