Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
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Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Super Hand Dog Face
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*