a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
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There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
some things should go without saying
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
March 16
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.