Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
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The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.