If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
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Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣