My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?