To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
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I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*