[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
You Might Also Like
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
channeling her this year
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”