Once again not all heroes wear capes
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Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
i baked you a cake
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
how high up are we talkin’?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.