My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
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“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.