why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
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I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
sensitive skin
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married