grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
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*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Found the job I’m suited for
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!