my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
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Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
motivation
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.